mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
