i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
