Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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