I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
