That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
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We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.