Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.