Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
its like you know when i get waxed