well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
