I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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