Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.