I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
