I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I skipped work to stalk him.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
