Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
