please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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