It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
