First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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