New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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