Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
