When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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