I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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