walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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