I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize