sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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