My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
