Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
