I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
