if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
