I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
