please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
