my soul wont recognize me after tonight
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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