I met the friendliest cop last night
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
