I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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