So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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