like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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