i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
