Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
