We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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