Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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