Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize