my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
