i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
