Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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