White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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