I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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