I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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