Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
