I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
