I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
