lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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