She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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