i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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