new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.