hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
