my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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