Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Drunk is a universal language darling
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