he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
